Under the Influence

Apparently Attention Deficient Disorder(or
Attentiondeficientdisorder for short) runs in my veins. I’ve never been one to really believe in it just because it seems like so many people have it these days, (you know, like diabetes?) but Berkeley got her eczema-tatious hands on some medication for it and then she could read like three books at a time so I thought it might be beneficial to my own poor study habits. Turns out that’s a two sided coin, double edged sword and/or gold plated diaper. While it does seem to increase my overall RAM, thus allowing me to think faster and about more subjects, it also increases my overall RAM thus allowing me to think faster and about more subjects. Meaning I get my homework done, but I also have 19 other windows open all doing totally different things. But it not only allows me to accomplish many things on my computer, it also gives me a general imperviousness to reality. Meaning, I think I can do anything and that it would be really simple, a dangerous side effect. This to-do list euphoria only lasts a few hours, but in that time the craziest things come into my head as being totally possible. These include but are not limited to thinking I could:

-Do my homework up to an entire day early

-Work out

-Pick a major

-Talk to girls

-Parkour

-Go to extracurricular activities

-Call old or new friends

-Write thank you letters to lots of people

-Magnify my calling

-Wikipedia any and everything that springs to mind

-Start a dodge ball team

-Memorize Russian grammar charts

-Prepare a talk

-Construct a massive circular, spiral, load bearing web in my front yard

-Clean and perfectly organize my room

-Not eat only unhealthy things

-Dress nice

-power nap

-Shave every day

-Floss

-Set up that dental appointment I really need

-Make a résumé

-Conserve a large part of my pay check every week

-Train Basil

-Save for a car

-Save for a scooter

-Go work in Alaska this summer

-Draw well

-Write an exposé on BYU grounds crew

-Get regular sleep

-Make Halloween 2010 Captain America suit

-Write a blog

Pretty crazy, right? Alas, once the effect is exhausted, a general imperviousness to effectiveness sets in and I get very few productive things done, excluding powernaps which I have efficiently upgraded to Superpower naps. I could go for one of those right now…

Hypercube Bonus Features

Mat6t asked me to write the introduction to their album “Bigger than Oprah” a few years back. So I did. It was days before I was to leave on my mission and I was supposed to be working on my talk, but I decided to do a friend a solid and slave away at this clap trap for the entirety of a flight from Washington DC to St. Salt Lake City. Long story short: I did it, they hated it, and they never used it. They decided to go with a more "published author", one who knew "how to use commas", who could "read above the fifth grade level", one who doesn’t "lack charisma", one who "lets their scabs heal", you know the type. I had forgotten about the incident but just barely accidentally found the document searching for something else in my Gmail archives and decided it was bloggable. And besides, blogs about Mat6t always sell better anyway. So here it is; the unseen rejected version of the introduction to the Hypercubes debut album:

The Hypercubes:

Dynamic Duo or Unholy Alliance ?

Hark to the tale of Marlsven and the boy he loved so dear…

The year was twenty-ought-five, gas prices were at an all time high of nine Bees a gallon, and if you were to ask a passerby on the street about the sounds of Blim-Blam they would have swiftly turned you over to the nearest narcotics officer. Alex Mildred Morrise and Mathew Lot Karlsven were both excelling in their studies at Provost High School for Gifted Youngsters. As the legend goes they were assigned as partners in an elective Drama class--that they had both tried to get into since their freshmen year--and the rest is history, history that I will now recite to you.

It was autumn and Alex had just gotten over a raging case of Avian Bird Influenza and Mathew, later shortened to Mat6t for health reasons not to be explained later in this introduction, was just starting his third session of oxygen-shock-therapy. It was the oxidized Mat6t who first proposed the idea of putting aside their political differences and forming a partnership. Alex was hesitant at first as he had a past as checkered as a Ska fans backpack when it came to musical groups, some good, such as Van Heperi, The Ring of Scribes, and Radical Millhouse, and some bad, including the Radical Millhouse Squared travesty, the Blain Train wreck, the Seminary Talent Show Blaspheme and the Bruce Call abomination. But Mat6t with his mind as sharp as a sword sharpened by lasers from the future was able to convince young Alexander using a Venn diagram illustrating the benefits of such an alliance. He was also aided by a time-traveling Abraham Lincoln who stressed the necessity of their bands formation as the only hope to save the past. Alex agreed under the condition that they use a drum machine instead of human beings to populate the rest of the band as it seemed only logical to him since he felt that the world would eventually be ruled by battled hardened cyborgs from outer space. While this did not seem as logical to Mat6t he consented, since Provo hadn’t seen a decent drummer since the great Eliza R. Snow.

Soon they were battling bands and fleeing the fuzz, as band battles had been outlawed since the massacre of Transient Rhetoric. Yes the fame and fortune of The Hypercubes had reached far and wide and with a debut album release date as elusive as old Marlsven himself, the Hypergroupies were growing restless.

But be at peace my fellow fans, for you now hold in your hands an official copy of The Hypercubes latest and greatest feat, it’s amazing, it’s spectacular, it’s non-refundable, it is what you have been waiting your entire life for, it’s… Bigger Than Oprah!

And may its scrumtralescent melodies bring you all the new pleasure and nostalgic euphoria that it has me.

Thank you kindly,

Dr. Wells R. Magleby T.A.S.-F.

Resident Hyperexpert

Mantles to Marlsven

Here's a letter I wrote to Mat6t Karlsven:

Hey Elder M6arslven,

Your friendly neighborhood Rob here, I’m getting married! Yup, you heard right. The lucky girl is Emma Watson from Provo High, she’s just a grade younger than us, and she’s the best. Well she didn’t exactly go to Provo High proper, but Alex had a picture of her one day before school, actually an autographed picture. You see, I recently saw the newest Harry Potter film, and she plays the role of a girl named Hermione, and is extremely attractive, or as you missionaries say, “favored of the Lord”. So, with my returned missionary zeal and confidence I’ve decided I’d marry her. Nothing’s impossible for us returned missionaries right? Brigham Young said, “if you return from your missions with honor, you can have any fox to your liking”. (Though, I do believe there are stipulations in times of famine or winter) Ipso Facto, she’s mine.

In other news, you can call me ERP now. Eric himself has recently returned from two year service in a country between Texas and Antarctica and has determined that name is not for him, and as I’ve always been found wanting in the nickname department I thought I’d just skip the part of making one up and take up the mantle of “ERP” while there is a void. Heavy is the head the wears the crown of ERP. It’s a lot like Bucky taking up the Captain America mantle after Cap’s death. Although Captain America might be returning soon, no one stays “Bucky dead” these days, not even Bucky.

I believe you’ve been out less than a year, so I won’t bother explaining what’s changed from my perspective because there’s a fifty-fifty chance it wouldn’t be news to you. Well… there is something that’s a pretty big deal that I don’t know if it’s made it out to California by now: Michael Jackson is dead! Can you believe it? Now the only question is if he will stay “Bucky dead”. I believe the up and coming star Ricky Martin is slotted to fill in his mantle as “The King of Pop”.

Speaking of Pop, a common point of conflict in my mission was what to call carbonated beverages, Soda or Pop. So when any elder would try to make a point and ask me which one was correct, knowing I was from Utah and expecting a certain response, I’d always blindside him and say “Soda pop”. Take that Utah-haters who have nothing better to argue about. Well, keep doing Provo proud and remember: “The Church is true and the book is navy with gold letters in Times New Roman font in all caps.”

Pit thee Elder,

-Rob Magleby

Waiting for Tuberculosis

I just joined Facebook. It hasn’t won me over yet. I’m still vey much in a blog mindset. I don’t understand why other people’s words are all over my page, and they’re not even talking about things I know/care about. Speaking of things you might not know or care about, I just got back from a two-year religious sabbatical. Upon my return I’ve found things surprisingly the same.With the exception of a few children now larger or hairier, it’s almost unnerving how little has changed. I mean, the Y is still on the mountain, you still have to drive 29 miles per hour between the roundabout and the bridge, and our backyard is dry and weedy. People tell me I myself haven’t changed, which is interesting.

My mom took me shopping. All the fancy stores were having sales so I ended up with a lot of gay-man clothes. It’s ok though, chicks dig that sort of stuff. Gay stuff. In the apparel department, topical, not actual, I will resume my quest to make a classy high-quality Captain America costume. As you may know I’ve got the shield, and recently acquired the boots, undoubtedly the two hardest specialty parts. Of course the whole suit will have to be specially made and if present trends continue I will have to make even more special adjustments just as this fan of Iron Man was forced to

.

We are not the ordinary

By George it’s been a while, and by “a while,” I mean –whoa, now there’s a joke blast from the past, it really has been a while. “Blogger since October 2004”. 2004?! October?! Are you serious? I’m freaking old school. Mrs. Mathews, Reggae Ska and Sluffing, comment contests, those were the days. Take that MySpace. Back in those days MySpace was a self defense company and Facebook was um… something Hannibal used uh… I got nothing. Past-Blast again!

Do you know that I don’t even have a Facebook account? Me, Rob Cutting Edge-Blogger since 2004-Super Nintendo Magleby. I’m not even sure how they work, and I’d like to pretend that I didn’t feel a little pride in saying that but it’s true. But I take pride in all my ignorance, so what are you gonna do? Nothing that’s what.

You young whippersnappers out there with your friend invites and your relationship status, back in my day you had to judge a man by their response to a random question and their zodialogical sign. Why it took me six months to realize that Marlsven was a dude! I guess the point here is that I miss the good old days and they’re never coming back and that makes me sadder than I’d admit. I have some regrets, including constantly agonizing over the Spider-Man Batman debate in my head and never writing my magnum opus. Which I still plan to do by the way, don’t even get my started on how Spider-Man 3 complicates the mess, and with the Dark Knight coming out next summer, Heath Ledger as the Joker, and the new Bat-Suit, it’ll start all over again. Oh the agony! Man this is exhausting, I need a break. Maybe I’ll take a year off again. Maybe two.

iHeart iProvo

I would just like to wish Taylor a happy birthday and inform everyone of some updates. One: purple is now the official Sir Gawain font color for sarcasm. Two: I have fast Internet for the first time in my life, and that will lead to impulsive and crappy posts like this one. Three: That blind girl from The Village will be playing Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3. Four: The farmer from Babe will be playing Gwen Stacy’s father. Five: I know how much you guys don’t care about Spider-Man. Six: That won’t stop me from updating you on all the big Spider-Man 3 news. Seven: I need a councilor for the communications merit badge before next Sunday. Eight: I am proud to say that I have finished my Eagle Project.

Not Posting: Hero or Menace?

Ok, ok, ok, let me just apologize and clear this up. It was late. I was drunk. And it was delicious. Moving on:
I don't want to apologize for the lack of posts because that means I would have to, you know... apologize. Which as everything in my life, except for the beginning of this post and the following sentence testifies to, is something I never do. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am. As you may, or more likely, may not know, I have been without the Internet at my home for quite some time and won't have it again until mid Febuary or February, as I recently found out it's pronounced. Sorry 'bout the Sandyman being on there so long. Future post are on the way. So hold off on slashing your wrists, 'cause Sir Gawain will ride again. Probably.